Love and Insomnia

I'm awake, unable to sleep even though I am supposed to return to work tomorrow. By nature, I am a nocturnal person and I took full advantage of this while on my break from work. Now I have to wake up extra early to ensure that I make it to the bus on time. AND it's cold again. Yesterday I used the a/c and tonight I got on the space heater....My baby boy is at the sitter's house tonight and strangely, I want a nice warm body to lay in the bed with me....

I was having a conversation with one of my girl friends the other day, and we were discussing my sex life (mainly my lack of one) and I told her that I wish I had someone in my life to give me that "fix". She replied, "Girl, you can, just find someone you're interested in and f__k him." I replied, "But I don't want to get my feelings hurt." She said, "What you mean?" I told her that I didn't want to like someone, have sex with them, catch feelings for them only for them to dismiss me like I'm nobody. "I want to have sex with someone that I'm in love with," I told her. She kinda laughed. "LOVE???" She repeated, "Oh hell no girl, there is NO LOVE in 2009!" "But what if I really like him?" I asked her. "If he calls you, don't answer." She tells me. "Let him call you 3 or 4 times, still don't answer. You have to dismiss him and make him hungry!!!" I told her, "That's playing games. I don't want to play games, I just want to be able to talk to somebody to see if we enjoy each others' company." "There's no love in 2009." she repeated.

Damn. Mind you, my friend had a really bad breakup last year and once again, her heart was broken. It was a very painful breakup and her ex's indiscretions during their relationship were not very discreet. So I know my friends' words were coming from a place of pain. Right now, my heart is like a raw nerve, throbbing and ready give and receive love. I don't know how long it's been since I've felt this way , full of so much emotion that I'm about to burst. I know prospects are slim, but I am not going to give up on love. To love someone and to be loved back in return is human nature. After going through pain in failed relationships my heart had grown really hard and bitter. I put up a shield and thought it was okay how I had decided to live my life. I'm not sure where life's path will lead me, but my heart's on fire and I'm happy for it. My love life is always one of 2 things: crazy as hell or virtually non-existent. Lately is seems like it's been the latter of the two. There is a decision facing me, but in true lil Honey b fashion, I always seem to want to take the road that's the most difficult. I've talked to a couple of friends and they disagree with my thinking but some things aren't meant to be understood by everyone. I can't help how I feel. I know this post is a little cryptic, but I will go into more detail later. So for now, I will wait and see what happens....

lil Honey b